Tuesday, 20 March 2018


i know i'm a bit hard to my unconscious. she keeps sending me messages to tell me about her condition. she is paralyzed, beaten up, scratched, and nearly dying but i need this to keep my conscious walking. dear my lovely unconscious, i know you are strong. thank you so much for holding on. i love you.

Sunday, 18 March 2018


if you would wait for me patiently, i promise the fruit will taste much sweet. take my word that i won't go. i won't leave you alone. have faith. i've devoted myself. and i know you can't get anywhere else too because once you've settled you're settled eternally.
do you notice that our inner selves are linked in one frequency? we can't be apart. so don't be.

Wednesday, 7 March 2018


when you eventually resolve all the matters inner yourself, you'll find that it's not as hard as it's seemed.

i, probably for the hundreds times, say i let him go. i know it's like an unbreakable cycle peace-worry-peace-worry but now i'm sure finally this is the end. i don't know did i do something wrong but want to leave means want to leave, and i let him to. i was pushing myself to find any reasonable reason why he is acting like this while the answer clearly stood on my face. i thought when he left me i would be brutally broken and couldn't be mend anymore because he is the one. guess i'm wrong. i'm fine. it feels just like i got a new empty space somewhere inside of me. empty and tranquil. a very beautiful place. it's like a picture about a girl stand alone in a big empty room, made by wood, and the air was soft yellow, and behind the room was an opened door to a green garden where all the flowers are blossoming.
he may leave, i'll stay here for a moment. at least until i get twenty-five and prove my word i won't marry before the age. if he thinks marriage is more important than the comfort we feel each other, then please find another girl. but for me, if i'm settled, i'm settled. comfort matters more.

Sunday, 4 March 2018


beberapa waktu lalu dapat kabar kalau aku bakal jadi tentor pengganti selama dua sampai tiga bulan, terhitung sejak maret sampai mei nanti. jadwalnya selasa dan kamis sepulang dari kantor. sewaktu sabtu kemarin ketemu mbak pemilik bimbel, dia tanya apa aku nggak capek udah ngantor, pegang naskah, masih ngajar pula. mungkin ini namanya energi balas dendam, setelah mati parsial selama beberapa tahun. lagipula, aku merasa butuh nabung biar bisa menyamakan kasta dengan cappy. now you know you are one of many reasons i keep struggling, cappy.

Wednesday, 28 February 2018


Card 1: How you feel about yourself »

The Empress

This is a time for nurturing, material and domestic comfort, a feeling of abundance, harmony, joy and love.

A time for motherhood - you may already be pregnant or thinking about motherhood, if female of course! If male, this is a period of joy and abundance for you too - the appearance of The Empress here could also indicate that your mother or mother figure could be of great significance or comfort at this time.

This is also a card of creativity so it is a good omen if you are feeling creatively inspired at this time.

Card 2: What you want most right now »

The Moon

At this time you desire clarity and less of those confused emotions that leave you fearful and vulnerable. You want to know the outcome because you are so unsure about how you feel.

Use your intuition to guide you away from deception and ride this out - it will turn out alright in the end. The Moon is also a good omen if you are in a clandestine affair.

Card 3: Your fears »

The Sun

You are afraid that things seem too good to be true, so much pleasure and joy - well enjoy it, sometimes we can be pleasantly surprised!

If you have been unwell this is a time of rejuvenation and good health. Perhaps you are afraid that things won't actually get better - have faith you are about to enter a happy and pleasurable time.

The Sun heralds an ending to difficulties and a time to celebrate with friends and loved ones, a time of pleasure and good news around children or the conception or birth of a longed-for baby.

Card 4: What is going for you »

The High Priestess

All lines are open in your telephone exchange with your intuition, and there is no better guide than this intuition.


Listen carefully and the secret you want revealed will be shared with you.

Card 5: What is going against you »


This is a period of anxiety, depression and fear with all the turmoil and distressing events happening in your life.

It's time to show what you are made of.

What has now come to an end leaves room for brand new beginnings in life, love and career. However radical events may be in your life, believe that life goes on and life is what you make of it.

Card 6: The likely outcome »

The World

Success, fulfillment and conclusion are near at hand - the successful outcome to a venture, satisfaction in a relationship and efforts rewarded.

It is a culmination of events and indicates material wealth and greater spiritual awareness.

You may decide to purchase your dream house, act upon a wonderfully-fulfilling relationship offer or embark on a self-actualization journey.


Monday, 26 February 2018


wish list 2018-2020:

1. Anxiety: The Seminar of Jacques Lacan, Book X
2. The Seminar of Jacques Lacan: On Feminine and Sexuality, The Limits of Love and Knowledge
3. The Phenomenology of Spirit by Hegel
4. Science of Logic by Hegel
5. What is Called Thinking by Heidegger
6. Introduction to Metaphysics by Heidegger
7. Lectures on Aesthetic by Hegel
8. History of The Concept of Time by Heidegger
9. Totemism By Levi-Strauss
10. Mythologiques By Levi-Strauss
11. Myth and Meaning by Levi-Strauss
12. The Fashion System by Barthes
13. The Languages of Fashion by Barthes
14. Mythologies by Barthes
15. Masculine, Feminine, and Neuter by Barthes
16. Famished Road by Ben Okri


Friday, 23 February 2018


i feel balance and content. i'm at a level where i had been convinced that i want to be with that man for my whole life but it is okay if the destiny says the otherwise. i'm ready to accept what comes next.
i got a new job offer to be a private teacher and it's about to start on early march. i wish i can handle all matters properly. my job at office begins to thrill me but i love something thrill (in a positive mean). i think now i can make things up orderly. god, please always be with me. don't go.